Sunday, January 17, 2016

tox ic




Heyya

I think I had gone by the same title wayyy back so I stylized it a bit. Haha k moving on

Toxic.

See I'm not the dumbest person on earth despite always acting like one. I know insecurities. I know the times when I feel so small compared to the people around me, and this doesn't apply to outward appearances per se. There are a lot of things that make me feel like that. From the biggest to the smallest things. I can make a long list but then again I don't know what half of them are.

But that's the thing about insecurities. The shape never stays the same (in my head it's like paramecium without the cilia). Sometimes one portion swells while the other shrinks or pops, sometimes it bloats or changes colour. Maybe grow more heads and leaves green goo on its trail. 

Sometimes I also think it's in the shape of a sphere with pointy bristles all over it. Just bouncing inside of me, hitting my nerves and conscience. Stupid ball.

Everything depends on what kind of thing it feeds on. A parasite. It gains power by ruining the host.

It's pretty much normal to think that other people have so much to the point that I feel I lack a lot more than I really do. In other words, to the point it frays myself until I break down because everything is so overwhelming and while trying to win against the world I lose to myself. How many times have I found myself skipping more important things just to loathe myself.

Up until now I have no idea how to put up with this. My current resolution is to steer away from any compelling factors but that isn't as reliable. How can it be when I see other people almost everyday? When interacting is a crucial part of learning? In the end, it comes back to myself, like it always does. I have to know when to stop, when to be on guard, and when to fight. How to do so? Honestly I don't know, but I have to protect myself nonetheless.

xo

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