Thursday, February 11, 2016

okay: nanakorobi yaoki

notes: unfiltered, disorganized


Acting okay.

They say it's a bad thing to do, that it destroys you, that it stops you from getting better. You're just ruining yourself when you swallow all the bitterness and pain instead of letting them out, either by crying into your pillow or onto someone's shoulder.

I thought so too, until over time this notion changed. I started to believe that 'acting okay' is the best thing to do because it keeps me on my toes and track. I saw people saying "stop acting okay" here and then but over time too I began to question their stance.

"But if I stop acting okay, do I get the assurance that everything will be alright? That after I cry, scream, rant, throw a fit, everything will fall back into place?"

I'm a human too. I reach my limit. I break down. I skip the important things (classes, food, chores, you name it) to bury my face in my pillow and dampen it and force myself to sleep so that when I wake up, I won't feel as heavy anymore. Isn't the most important thing is to stand up again? Fall down seven times, stand up eight, they say?

I honestly have no idea which is the right thing actually. Maybe there is no right or wrong at all. Maybe it is okay to act okay and is okay too to not act okay. I don't see the balance if I just go by one way. How would I be if all I do is act tough without a break? How would I be if all I do is cry without willing to try again?

Will I be where I am today?

The "stop acting okay" sorta quotes provide me no further elaboration, let alone answers to my questions. Do they leave out the answers for us to find, or do they too have no answers?

And I know too not to be hard on myself. No one should ever be too hard on themselves, in fact. Being hardworking and detrimental are two different things.


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