Saturday, May 21, 2016

haven

I have always been a firm believer that we ourselves have the power to be whatever we want to be. There are external factors influencing us but we can decide what we want to do with them. We are in charge of how we want to accept or reject anything. We have the ability to think what is supposedly the best for us and anything else. We do not have to depend on others to be what we want to be.

I think I'm going to cross my own boundaries.

Of course, this notion of mine depends on the state that we have the capability to rationalize any necessary decisions and that we know where our boundaries lie and that we know that we are to obey certain matters with no objections. In short, we are clear of what is right and what is wrong.

So lately I have been thinking, and today somehow it compels me into writing this despite my own refusal. What if, just what if, we let our stances stagger just one bit? Not intentionally though, but because we let our guards down around familiar faces and before we know it, our walls crumble down and we lose the haven inside of us.

They say I am sensitive. I have never denied that.

They might think it is entertaining to bring me down like that, to label me with all sorts of names deemed funny then point out my insecurities like it is the easiest thing to do. When I retaliate to protect myself they laugh all over again because I am using their words against theirs and they know I am hurt but what else to do if apologizing is never the next desired step anyway? When they laugh it hurts even more, because I know to understand is not what they want to do too.

Building back this haven is a very long process. I take pride in being able to keep rebuilding it. Even though it never hurt any less to see it demolished. Sometimes I wonder if I should return to them when they hurt me. Is it okay if I want to choose which part of them I want to love? But isn't the purest love unconditional? Are they just teasing? Is it okay to feel betrayed?

Maybe I am just weak. Maybe I have too much trust.

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